New Xanga - LukeWallis. I made most of this one private and started over.

You know, a lot people think that I am a sell-out, a people-pleaser.  They think I will do anything to get people to like me, that I need to be accepted, and that I am a poser.  These are people who don't know me-obviously.

Why would I care?  Why would I or anyone want so desperately to be a part of something that, in seconds, can rear its ugly head and turn on you?  Why would I want to be a part of something that discludes other people, makes others feel like shit, and makes people UGLY inside?  Acceptance is highly over-rated.

No, instead of trying to be a part of it.  I have put the proverbial blood, sweat, and tears into trying to take the whole damn thing over and change it.  I have tried to manipulate society - the mother of all challenges.

I tried to do EVERYTHING and, because of my versatile nature, I had a huge range of interests.  It was perfect.  It was hard being friends with different groups of people that hated eahc other and at times I blew up about it.  They didn't understand each other or even try.  And you know, they all have weeknesses.  It's funny some of them (the outcats groups) seemed to have been built on the fact that they resent not being accepted into other groups, supposedly more presitgious ones, (jocks/popular people).  When really they ALL are exclusive full of derision.

But I pressed on.  Loaded everything on.  But I had numbed my sense of "NO".  People had started to expect me to do everything and it was too much.  I was starting to fall.  And I was doing things I didn't want to do, not because I wanted to liked, because I was too nice to people. I was the portrait of an over-acheiver and never excluded anyone.  I actually tried to extend a friendship to a those who seemed to have none, but even they turned on me, too.  I, of course, am no saint, but, hey, I tried to be fucken nice despite the shitty conditions of teenage life.

And so I thrived, pushed and pulled and schmoozed my way to the top.  I saw our little society from all sides and inside.  I got almost every angle.  And you know what?  It bit me on the ass.  Society's sister, fate, saw what I was doing and I got fucked.  After all the sacrifice, which yes was a little self-serving given my little experiment, society STILL turned it's back on me.

For the most part...  But those of you, who really got to know me, I thank you.  I hope you understand what I tried to do and to know that I was sincere in everything I did.  I was never fake.  I WAS ME.  If you think we are friends, then we are.  There are only 3 people in the school who aren't my friends, so you have good odds.

I haven't really posted in a while.  I got tired and wondered if anybody really wanted to read it.  I will try again, mostly because I am so lonely right now.  But I will not explain the paqst, just as necessary as I go.

This weekend, I was dragged to the Beach.  Bi punishment, right?  Well when it's you and your parents and you are missing all the parties after prom that your friends are at, it's a big deal.  Not to mention the awful weather and waste of time this is.

We are moving here-still slowly.  The big day is June 7th I guess.  We take a little each weekend.  Next weekend is going to be really nice, again just parents, but I would ratehr stay at home and go see the races.  My friend Steve races at the Selinsgrove speedway.

I have a feeling when I move I won't make it a week and will want to take the train back to see my friends and go to the races.  But when my now girlfriend (then too?) picks me up at the station, will they want me, still?  Do they now?  And where will I crash?  Will Melinda let me stay there or maybe my sister's boyfriend?

Right now, I am at a place called...bethany bytes (http://www.bethanybytes.com) They provide a service of internet and gaming to passing visitors and local friends with common interests, I assume.  It seems cool, when I get my new laptop next week I can bring it here and access my account through a wireless modem before I get my home connection.  And anytime thereafter if I feel the need on the beach.

My mom came over with me so I guess we will go back and get a movie, then.  I miss my girlfriend and friends.  I wish I coudl have gone to the afterprom parties-I have a bad feeling about not going.  Gut feeling, I guess.

I don't knwo what else to say.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Leaving my friends
02 | Spiders
03 | White Trash taking over

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | jim Carrey
02 | mike M
03 | shannon D

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Kori
02 | music

03 | track

THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | self-righteous bastards
02 | finding out about wasted time
03 | people who speak on things they nothing about

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | people's motivations

02 | where i started this path
03 | calc

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | cell phone
02 | glass from Roxy's (a resteraunt in NYC)
03 | an empty Sierra Mist can

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | taking this survey
02 | biting my nails
03 | talking to manzi35

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | make it as a music performer
02 | learn to surf
03 | learnto relax

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | piss people off
02 | tell jokes
03 | be myself

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | outgoing
02 | spontaneous
03 | dramatic

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | sing well enough for me
02 | play guitar
03 | get even with my enemies

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | anything and everything
02 | good books on tape

03 | me

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | Zack Ford
02 | Republicans
03 | The media.

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | "See how that works?"
02 | "Yeah?  And your ugly"
03 | "Welcome to duh"

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Middlesworth Bar-B-Q chips
02 | pizza
03 | Rita's Italian Ice

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | Water
02 | Sprite
03 | Gatorade

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Sesame Street
02 | Ghost Writer
03 | Beavis and Butthead

RANDOM QUESTIONS:
1 | Spell your name backwards: sillaW sacuL
2 | How did you get your live journal name? My parents
3 | Are you homosexual? sometimes, late at night, when the world isn't watching, I have sex with myself.